Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to pay tribute and respect to one False Aralia better known as Houseplant #4……
Houseplant #4 you deserved better. The odds were stacked up against you worse than being born into the Lohan family. The day I bought you, your destiny was to die. As morbid as it sounds, you were doomed from the day I laid eyes on you.
You were such a beautiful plant – full of life (and leaves). A soft breeze would make you rustle with delight. You grew full and strong — your leaves shiny. Your leaves….like Madonna’s endless parade of young Latin lovers……were your shining glory. Deep green and variegated, they were a pleasure to behold.
Now you are just a shell of yourself. Much like a Whitney Houston record after 2000, you are basking in the glow of former glories. I think the best I can do is give you your proper respects and place you to rest.
Go to that big nursery in the sky — your road was hard and you have earned your reward. I pray that you find the sunlight & fertilizer you so desperately needed here on Earth. Sleep the everlasting sleep my sweet Houseplant #4. You put up a good fight…..
(okay I am off to find my next victim….have a great weekend.)