I am positive you have heard of the whole concept of left brain versus right brain and the attributes associated with each side. The story goes that left-brained people are more analytical while the right-brainers are more artistic and dreamy. Well if today is evidence of anything, then I am 110% a right-brained individual. I am leaning so far to the right at the moment that I am having tea with Sarah Palin. Yup, that is how right leaning I am right now with my brain functions.
The Introduction to Culinary Math course at school is really got me down. I spent a good portion of today doing math homework that should not have consumed a better portion of 8 hours. Not only was I unable to get out and enjoy the last day of Summer, I was stuck indoors trying desperately to cost recipes and not feel like a huge lump of stupidity held together by a Gap stretch tee-shirt and cargo shorts. I sat for hours feeling stumped, stupid and small over math problems that I know I should be able to do. Because I knew I should be able to them, the fact that I was getting stuff wrong, just completely kicked the remainder of my confidence and self-esteem to the curb.
So I am angry and embarrassed with myself for feeling this way, but I am frustrated that my hours of studying are not paying off. I see my classmates going tanning, meeting friends for a night of drinking or gathered around the TV watching a movie while I go back to my room and do math homework during the week. I see my classmates making day trips, going on wine tastings and prepping for dates on the weekends while I go home to sit in the house and do math homework.
I know math is not my strong point, so I devote alot of energy and time to the topic matter. I mark out specified times to do the work, visit the tutors and do all the homework problems (even the ones not assigned) cause I want to know the subject matter well and feel good about it. And right now, I don’t feel anything that remotely resembles a good feeling. I am ashamed that I can’t do this at 34 and afraid that if I can’t cut it now, then what will it look like in the kitchen when the pressure is really on.
My lack of confidence is creeping into my writing and my thought patterns about school. It’s becoming a toxin that is poisoning all the aspects of what made the CIA initially exciting. I am filled with dread about going back to the dorms tomorrow, cause I know it will mean cramming as hard as I can to pass the course. Not ace, just pass. And it saddens me that deep down, I would be thankful just to simply pass.